So relieved to be past the first trimester, we started making some real plans. When would we have the baby blessing? Let's talk names. At 16 weeks I was even feeling the baby flutter about and move. Then it happened. On Thursday, August 11 at 17 and 1/2 weeks, I started spotting that brown spotting again in the evening. Naturally I freaked out and went to the emergency room. After an ultrasound there, they told me that the amniotic fluid was really low and that I needed to stay hydrated, be on best rest, and consult with the doctor the next morning. Unfortunately, my doctor was out of town until Monday the 15th. Over the phone, she mentioned to stay on bed rest and stay hydrated until the appointment we set for Monday morning. That weekend was a little bit of a blur. I remember drinking so much water that at one point I threw up. But I have no idea how I felt or what I was thinking. I wish I had written it down then. Hindsight right?
I went in early in the morning Monday, August 15th to my doctor's office. When she did the ultrasound she said that the fluid was much lower than she had anticipated and we needed to be able to see why. Unfortunately that meant going to a specialist with a better (read high tech) ultrasound machine.
So we drove out to Long Beach, right by the hospital, to this OB office. It has a lot of different doctors there (like a partnership) including a couple of neonatal specialists. That's who we were going to see. When we got there, we found out that they don't allow kids so Matt had to sit outside with Daniel, my 3 year old, until my sister could get there. She had plenty of time because we had to wait about an hour and a half. During that time, my friend who had recently found out that she was pregnant texted me and told me that the ultrasound she just had showed that she was having twins. I didn't say anything to her about us right then. I just told her how happy I was for her and reassured her that she would be able to handle it. Nothing I told her was a lie. I was super excited for her and I knew she would be amazing. But it was such a weird bundle of emotions that I almost felt like I was lying.
We finally got called into the room and an ultrasound tech started measuring everything, the baby, organs, the pockets of amniotic fluid. But of course, she's not allowed to say anything. So in comes the specialist, Dr. McNulty. She looks at the measurements, takes measurements and pictures herself and then lets me put my shirt back down. She told us that the reason the fluid was so low was because the baby wasn't peeing. That's apparently what the fluid is after week 15, baby pee. The baby wasn't peeing because the kidneys, which by this point should be up and running, weren't developed properly. Neither of them. In fact, they were actually almost entirely comprised of cysts so the kidneys were never going to be able to work. No kidneys, no fluid. No fluid and then the lungs can't develop. In short, the baby may make it to term inside me but it would not survive once it was born. Our baby was going to die and there was nothing we could do about it. It was just a matter of time. We had 3 options. The first one was to continue with the pregnancy, let nature run it's course, and deliver our baby stillborn. This one had it's risks. Because there wouldn't be any more amniotic fluid, it's possible my water would break and not know it possibly causing an infection, which could lead to me going septic. Option 2 was to have a DNE, where I was put under and the baby and placenta would be removed. I wouldn't see the baby, and it was an out patient procedure. The last option was to induce labor now at 18 weeks and deliver the baby still. There was a chance that the baby's heart could be beating for a few moments after delivery but most likely the delivery would be too much. Dr. McNulty was very nice, she seemed very sympathetic, and gave us her information so we could get in contact with her when we made our decision.
We were devastated. Things were finally ok. And then in an instant, they weren't. Matt and I told the doctor before we left that we would be doing something sooner rather than later. Matt had a family friend who about year before lose his wife because she went septic so he was a little freaked out about that. Plus, working with teenagers and being super pregnant, only to leave and come back without a baby? It would be just as awkward and distracting for them as it would be for me. We went back downstairs to where Becca was with Daniel. I don't even remember saying anything to Becca. Matt must have told her. I came out and gave Daniel the biggest hug. I didn't want to let him go. In the car on the ride home he said "I love you mommy" for no reason at all. I am grateful for such a sweet spirit in my home and the chance that I have to have him in my life. I feel like maybe we have our Daniel and that's good enough. It's not what we planned but I felt like if this was it - that Daniel was our only child - at least we got a great kid. Now it was just time to make a decision.
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