We are pretty religious people. Maybe not as religious as we should be, but we do try. We have beliefs, faith, testimony, and knowledge that a huge portion of the world does not. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan. Not just the whole Plan of Salvation for everyone but a plan for me, Erin Brinkerhoff, and for my family. He knows what's best for me and has knowledge that I couldn't possibly have. I know that if he needs this baby right now, then that's what's best. That makes this a pretty special spirit. But all of this stuff that I "know" doesn't make it hurt any less. I keep thinking "What is it that I'm supposed to be learning from all these trials?" I thought that it was that His plan was more important than my plan when they don't match up. I feel as though I've learned that; I truly believe that even if it's not what I originally imagined, that He still knows best and I am better off for it. So now with the third pregnancy in a row ending in heartache, I don't know what else it is that He wants me to learn. I know that our trials are supposed to make us stronger but I don't know how much stronger He expects me to be. Then, of course, the thoughts run into my mind that it's my fault. I'm not righteous enough or worthy enough, if only I prayed more or read my scriptures more or provided more service. If only I had done this, or hadn't done that. Then maybe my baby would be ok.
I did a lot of crying the day we found out. I tried going to sleep that night and couldn't because my mind was just racing. I got up to watch TV to take my mind off of it. It worked for a moment but I still couldn't sleep so I thought I'd do something productive and read some scriptures. I wasn't looking for anything in particular. I don't remember if that's where I was stopped or if I just picked a spot. Either way, I came across Alma 26:27. It's when the sons of Heleman were trying to preach to the Lamanites and were practically run out of town. The scripture says "Now when our hearts were depressed, and we were about to turn back, behold the Lord comforted us, and said: ... bear with patience thine afflictions and I will give unto you success." I wasn't looking for a scripture like that so I know He was answering a prayer I hadn't even given yet. The question that, frankly, I was too afraid or guilty to ask: Will we ever have more children? Reading that made me feel a little better. But then I started lacking faith and wonder "does that mean we'll have success next time or just eventually?" I'm afraid that if success doesn't come and we have to go through either more miscarriages or like what we were going through with this pregnancy, I'm not going to be strong enough to not give up and bear with patience my afflictions.
The next morning when I was alone in the kitchen I talked to the baby. Is that stupid? I told the baby that its mommy and daddy love it very much and wish that things could be different, that we could hold it and take care of it and have it live a long healthy life. I told the baby we didn't want to do this but that it must be a really special spirit for Heavenly Father to want back so soon. I told it that Heavenly Father was so much smarter than us and He knew what was best for baby. It made mommy and daddy really sad but we know that Heavenly Father has bigger and better things planned for it than this life. I don't have any clue if the baby could hear me but I know Heavenly Father could and either way, it seemed to make me feel better for a little.
Matt and I talked to people. Matt's aunt's OB is LDS so we talked to him. It was nice to talk to someone with the same beliefs we do to put things into perspective. We also counseled with our bishop. I don't remember everything he said but he encouraged us to go to the temple. He asked Matt to fast the next day and make it to the temple. So we made an appointment for the 8 pm session the following day, Wednesday the 17th.
The next morning Daniel was lying in bed with me and asked about my baby tummy. That's what we had been calling the pregnancy so he would be careful with me. It was all I could do not to bawl. I told him baby was sick and that it was going back to Heavenly Father soon. He said "Oh, ok." I couldn't hold it all in so a few tears came out and when Daniel saw me he put his arm around tummy and said "It's ok mommy." I really don't know what I would do without that kid.
That night we went to the temple. It had been way too long. Matt mentioned that this baby has already helped us to be better because it brought us back to the temple. It was a really small group so we had to be part of the prayer. I hadn't planned on it because I didn't want to do much of anything but Heavenly Father continues to remind me that He's the one pulling the strings. It was a really good prayer. The temple worker prayed for a lot of the usual things, general things that you would hear in just about every prayer. Then he prayed for those who had come that night with heavy hearts, who needed comfort. Talk about a tender mercy. I'm grateful for that temple worker who was listening to the Spirit to be a vessel for God's words to Matt and me. In the celestial room, I cried. I think I did an ok job of keeping myself from out and out sobbing but a lot of tears were shed. I didn't want to have to deal with this. I didn't want to think about the fact that I was losing one of my children. And then I heard clear as day (in my mind of course) "Your Heavenly Father loves you." I knew that. I've always known that but I really needed to hear it. It brought peace to my heart and tears to my eyes all over again. But I knew that whatever happened, everything was going to be ok.
On the way home from the temple, we decided a few things. We decided that we felt ok with having the DNE. We also decided that we were going to find out if the baby was a boy or a girl before the procedure. That way we can talk about it and refer to the baby by name. I didn't want to know at first because I knew that would be hard. I figured the less I knew, the more I distanced myself from the situation, the easier emotionally it would be. I think we decided that while it would be harder now, that it would be easier for us later. That way we don't just pretend that it didn't happen.
On Thursday morning we went to see the specialist that would do the procedure for a consult. She gave us the information, we asked questions, then she gave us some time to talk while she got the ultrasound report faxed over so she could tell us the sex of the baby. When she left, Matt and I looked at each other and both said that we should induce labor instead. It wasn't anything that she said, we knew all that information before. It was just a feeling that came over the both of us. When she came back we told her that we had decided to go ahead with labor instead. She told us then that she was glad we made that decision. Both her and her partner, after talking with the geneticist, thought that it was in our best interest to go through with labor for finding information for future pregnancies. But she didn't want to influence our decision beforehand. She also told us that the ultrasound report showed that there wasn't enough fluid to tell if the baby was a boy or a girl.
When we first talked about our decision, one of the reasons that I didn't want to deliver was because then I'd be able to see my baby and that would be too hard. It's one thing to lose something that is kind of intangible, that you never saw. It's a completely different thing to lose something that you have visual memories of. But, we decided, even though it would be harder, we could do that with no regrets. Maybe the whole thing would be horrible and I would hate holding the baby or whatever but once that baby was taken from us, there was no going back and having a do over. So labor was the final decision. We called both my regular OB and Dr. McNulty, who would be overseeing the whole ordeal. She told us we could come any time that night after 6. So that was it. We would be going to the hospital that night.
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