Now what?

This whole experience is so confusing.  Most of the time, I'm ok.  I don't think about it.  But then something reminds me, like seeing 1:45 on the clock or Matt's sister's baby being born this week.  Or nothing reminds me but I think about it anyways and I feel like I have to put myself back together all over again.  Matt had that interview in a different district that would have a slightly different calendar than me, so we'd end up with different spring breaks.  Then I think, if we have different spring breaks, then we can't go on the Brinkerhoff family cruise that they planned around our spring break.  Then I think, well maybe I wouldn't be able to go on the cruise anyway because I'll be pregnant again.  Then I feel guilty about even thinking about being pregnant.  I'm afraid Nathan is going to think that I'm trying to replace him.  Like it won't sting as bad if we had a different baby, a healthy baby.  But then I think that I can't stop thinking about having more kids because that's what we've always wanted and what the scriptures say Heavenly Father wants us to do.  When I'm not feeling guilty, I'm scared out of my mind.  What if every time we get pregnant something like this happens again and I lose another child?  I'm so emotionally exhausted.  All. The. Time.

I'm scared of feeling like this - of possibly going through another loss.  I'm not sure I even realized how scared I am.  I'm flat out terrified.  We go to the doctor specialist on Monday.  What if she tells us there's something wrong and all of our pregnancies will most likely turn out like this?  Or that there's nothing wrong and we just happened to have 3 so-called "flukes" in a row?  I don't know what scares me more: knowing it would happen or not know if it will happen.  There are days when I feel like I'm forward, that I'm able to think about it and not lose it completely, just get choked up a bit.  Then I have a moment like this and I think that I'm never going to move forward - I'm just going to be stuck in this place in time forever.

I told Matt that I wanted to talk to a counselor.  An LDS counselor.  That way, I can talk to someone who understands the same beliefs we do about the Plan of Salvation but it could still be someone emotionally detached from the situation.  I'm afraid that talking to my family, someone who has emotional stake in the situation, will only turn into a bawl fest and I won't feel any better.  I mean, I can cry by myself.  So I contacted LDS Family Services and I'm on a waiting list right now.  More waiting.  So in the meantime, all I can do is think about Nathan and be sad.